Issue 2 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham November 2003
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

HERE WE are again folks. It's my time of the month which means I get to sound off about whatever I want, without having to consider the feelings of others. Which suits me fine! This month I'm sticking with the theme of life in Keynsham High Street. I really do feel that there is an unnecessary volume of traffic on the pavements in our beloved town. By that I mean to say not pedestrians but those dastardly death traps - the invalid buggy.

Caution: High speed granny wagons ahead...
Caution: High speed
granny wagons ahead
Now don't misunderstand me, I've got nothing against the elderly and disabled - I've got many friends that fit into one or both of these categories - but our sidewalks are becoming busier than the roads themselves. Only last weekend, whilst gaining some much-needed 'retail therapy' with my husband and six children, our dear little 4-year-old Alegenon was nearly mown down by one of these lethal contraptions in the vacinity of Oxfam - it's 'driver', arms straight, head back (as if overcome by the G-force), snarling toothlessly at all law-abiding pedestrians to "Get outta the way". Such recklessness and disregard for fellow footpath users should surely carry some sort of penalty. Isn't there a Highway Code for these 'calamity carts' to obey?

I feel that this particular gentleman's rudeness is but the tip of the iceberg. What I want to know is, if the elderly, when handed the keys to these battery-powered menaces, have undergone any formal training? Many of them probably haven't held a driving licence for years, if at all! I'm not one to cause a fuss but I do feel duty-bound to ask Downing Street to consider a white paper outlining the laws and regulations for use of these 12-volt battering rams. For example, a thorough eye examination should be mandatory.

I'd also like to suggest that a yearly pavement tax should be introduced, regardless of the OAP-derived backlash that could ensue. After all is said and done, these queue-jumpers get their TV licence at half price yet they watch more television than the rest of us. Just walk through the Hawthorns and you'll hear everything from 'This Morning' to 'Countdown' blaring out of every warden-controlled home at volumes to drown out an approaching Concorde. Trying to look frail and stupid is no excuse - if we don't act now somebody is going to get seriously maimed by one of these reckless pavement pilots. And while you're at it, maybe you could clamp down on skateboarders and cyclists too. It's for the good of everyone that we do something soon, because it's bound to end in tears. Anna Cacia-Court

I'M WONDERING if anyone could enlighten me to the parking laws in Keynsham. It would appear that not all double yellow lines are illegal to park on as we're always witnessing cars 'abandoned' outside the Chew Valley Restaurant, Iceland, Lloyds-TSB and the Nat West bank. Is there some kind of permit one can purchase or should arrangments be made through the local traffic 'warden'? I'm only suggesting this because most of the drivers parking in these areas seem to shake his hand a lot!

WHAT THE jiggins was going on outside Church's the other day? I stood amazed as two 'workers' spent over an hour digging up an eight-inch square hole, only to fill it in again. Did this 'urgent' repair really necessitate the blocking of half the High Street with a big yellow 'emergency response' vehicle? What were they doing? Was there some kind of buried ancient treasure beneath that particular paving slab? The Romans would've fixed it in a jiffy with nothing but a wheelbarrow and shovel. Give me strength!

WHY DO the town's numerous charity shop workers always appear so bloody miserable and non-helpful? When you give some unwanted but none-the-less well-maintained wares to them, one is invariably left with the feeling that today, of all days, they really didn't need to be sifting through some stranger's crap. It's their sole function for God's sake! After all, if we stopped donating our surplus belongings, these so-called retail outlets would cease to exist. Hmmmm, now there's a thought...

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning

Issue 1 of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum hits the news! We made it to the EVENING POST (click HERE to read what they said) and, miraculously, we were 'Site Of Issue' in VENUE (click HERE to view the clipping). Thanks to both publications for the kind words. You rock man!

The former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf continues his oblique insight into Keynsham life. It seems he's now working in the Cadbury's P.R. dept. MORE

Keynsham has it's very own Backyard Wrestling Crew? Thought not. Check out these zany Jackass-meets-WWF people at EXTREME POSSE WRESTLING

Did you know that other small towns exist way beyond the Kelston Mountains? It's true! If you don't believe us, check out the BUMPKIN CREW, from a land called 'Froomeshire'.

Another exclusive Keynsham webcam, which we've located in that mysterious green box outside Somerfield. VIEW IT

What does the weather have in store for the Keynsham area in November? VIEW WEATHER

"I sez if the shops don't want us to have a market they should all bring their stock outside once a week and sell it cheaper..." Just a random quote from this month's bulging postbag. READ LETTERS

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
Presenting our exclusive range of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts. Coming soon to a High Street near you! BUY STUFF