Issue 3 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham December 2003
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is a 'pirate website' broadcast around the start of every month (or when we get around to it) from a small boat in the Bristol Channel. It is designed to offer a better quality of life, making Keynsham a funnier place to live, work and visit. We stole the idea from That Be Bristle during a fit of kleptomania in September 2003, and our Karma balance has been wobbling ever since. We're not anti-Keynsham types, just a few friends who ran out of normal things to talk about over tea and tiffins. If we cause offence it isn't intentional. We're only larking around. Now for the monthly history lesson with Albert Mills. This month: Shops in Keynsham...

'I remembers when all this was shops, son' Keynsham's High Street shops haven't always been a dull mix of travel agents, charity shops and empty units. Not at all. The town has a rich history of long-gone stores. Who can forget Rawling's on Bath Hill - the first port of call for any birthday-cash-weilding small boy, with it's heady mix of Hornby train sets and Raleigh Choppers? Those same bicycles would, 3 years later, end up being cashed in at the Kasbah commission shop in Temple Street, raising just enough money for a bag of sherbert lemons over the road at 'New' Ogborn's, a sweets 'n' albums haven. Yes, the mega-dull Hill House Hammond 'shop' used to be home to a myriad of records, punks and cool people, all being, er, cool. It was like Carnaby Street in the 60's, only less London-y.

Down the road on Bath Hill you could find 'Old' Ogborn's - a dimly lit mecca of books and pens, with it's own Narnia-like back room, replete with Beano annuals and books about trees and stuff. The Ogborn 'empire' even managed a hostile take-over of the infamous 'Birthday' Shop, which, according to legend, was the easiest shoplift in the south west. By strange quirk of fate, this building is now occupied by Kay's record shop - amply proving that music is more popular than chocolate. Expect Cadbury's to be renamed 'M.C. Choc' and show up on 'Pop Idle' within weeks. The eventual winner of the infamous 'Newsagent War' of the 70's and 80's ended up being Church's, a position of strength now consolidated by their wise and kindly decision to stock Cane Shum T-shirts.

Church's Newsagents: 'Oi, it's not a bloody library mate...' In bygone days, Keynsham was home to a great number of chain stores; such luminaries as Woolworth's (now TSB), John Menzies (charity dump), Fosters (Specsavers), Fine Fare, Halford's, Tesco's and even a branch of Curry's once occupied Keynsham's 'Golden Half Mile'. And who remembers the town's 'quirky' shops such as Etcetera (gift emporium), Strudwick's (everything from hammers to jet engine parts), Nicotine (fags and papers), Harvey's (more ciggies), Kaleidoscope (freaky deaky stuff) and the improbably-named Clifton Sports? Obviously that last lot suffered a Dorothy & Toto-like wind-assisted relocation from the 'oooh la lah' area of Bristol...

Yes, the town might be over-run with non-shops, but once upon a time, Keynsham was a place you could do your Christmas shopping without leaving town. Glory days indeed. Anyway, enough about Keynsham and more Cane Shum... Below you will find information about the people who write this could-be-funnier excuse for a website. Satire for satire's sake...

Albert Mills FORMER GARDENING correspondent for the now-defunct 'Somerset Oracle', Albert is one of the two founding editors of this fabled tome. His claim to fame is that he was once in the audience at the filming of BBC's 'Nationwide' program, an accolade which alone was enough to land him the job at Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum. He is the author of one book, 'Overnight Failure', and is separated from wife Estelle, with no accountable children. MORE

Charlton Bottom CHARLTON BOTTOM once famously claimed, improbably, to have been present when the Romans were last in the town, and is the website's other founding editor. A former member of 70's glam rock band The Mutz Nutz, Charlton began his journalistic career as a stringer for the lowly 'Ubley Gazette', during which time he covered the story of the infamous Cider Drought of 1985. He has four children and is blissfully married to his beloved wife of 15 years, Rosy.

Anna Cacia-Court THE DELIGHTFUL Anna was the first writer to be recruited to the team after she knocked on Charlton's door late one night to ask for assistance with her broken down VW Beetle. The former Arts & Entertainment correspondent for London's 'Capital Punishment' magazine, Ms Cacia-Court has been resident in the town for over a decade. Much-travelled, Anna is mother to six children and is happily married to Arthur, a commercial airline pilot.

Ferry Mucking Xmas to ya
Wishing all of our readers a very merry Christmas and a properous New Year. Thanks for your support in 2003.

Anna Cacia-Court gets herself all worked up about a school closure and some dodgy Xmas lights. READ MORE

The former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf continues his oblique insight into Keynsham life. It seems he's now working in the Cadbury's P.R. dept. MORE

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
Our exclusive range of Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts go on sale in Keynsham and Bath. FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

The long-range weather outlook for the festive period. VIEW WEATHER

We love Keynsham! If you need reminding, CLICK HERE

As ever, we're asking for people to own up to their crimes in full view of the entire population of the Internet. This month: Would the people responsible for dumping their domestic/business waste in our lay-bys and country lanes please STOP IT NOW?!? For the sake of sweet Jesus, do us a favour - have one less pint on a Friday night, get up half-an-hour earlier on Saturday and get to the tip BEFORE IT SHUTS. We don't need a bath tub, a fish tank, a bag of kitchen tiles, an old shoe and a spent condom to help us enjoy the countryside. At the very least, get a skip Or would that be spending your beer money? What a bunch of non-eco c**ts.