Issue 3 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham December 2003
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

WELL MY dears, another month has passed and there's more gossip in the town to uncover. Just recently a friend of mine informed me that the Town Council, in co-hoots with BANES no doubt, have decided in their infinite wisdom to consider the closure of Temple Infants and Bath Hill Primary School.

According to inside sources, the closure is because there was a low birth year in 2001. Do they assume that because there is a low birth year one year that this is to continue, or have requisitions for a crystal ball been approved? Or perhaps they have enlisted the fortune telling services of Mystic Meg who has given them a forecast for the next 20 years. It's very easy to close a school; you just sack everyone, lock the gates, invite a gang of drug addicts in and let the place go to rack and ruin. Creating a new school is a lot of hard work.

If this low birth year is so significant to threaten the closure of a very good school, then why is the Council building a new Nursery School on Charlton Road? Is this a considered foresight of the proposed 500 new houses destined for the town? If it is then surely we will need Temple and Bath Hill School. What the dickens is going on BANES?

'I can see Tower Bridge Ma' (click to enlarge) The Keynsham Eye
(Click to enlarge)
Talking of Dickens, the Victorian Evening was quite a success I think. There were a great number of people present, much merriment was enjoyed by most and a fight or two by some. I was slightly confused by the turning on of the lights though. The crowd were all facing Andy Wait and Katie (who?) from Fame Academy. Young Katie gave the countdown and then she cheered. We all wondered what she was cheering at when the lights we were looking at didnít come on at all. It was only when someone pointed out that the rest were working down the street that there was a delayed cheer. Well sort of.

The general consensus of opinion was: "They haven't dragged those crap lights out again, surely". Oh dear Town Council, I'm sorry - Iím sure youíve all tried very hard, and yes, I'm sure Christmas lights for the High Street are expensive, but the only award we're going to win is the 'Most Boring and Uninteresting Christmas Lights Competition 2003'. I've got some wonderful suggestions if anyone from the Council wishes to contact me.

And finally my dears, do have a lovely Christmas and a very happy New Year. And remember my darlings, don't drink and drive and take good care of yourselves. Anna Cacia-Court

I FEEL duty bound to make our pedestrians aware of the proper crossing facilities in Keynsham High Street. The zebra crossings are the ones with the big white rectangles on them and a black & white post next to them with a big yellow bulb on the top. The raised white triangles are NOT a place to cross. They are one of the Councils' great ideas to make drivers more aware of pedestrians. Now Iím not getting at the elderly again, but Ethel and Co havenít quite grasped this concept, so if your gran is one of these kamikaze jay walkers, please inform her of the situation.

TALKING OF my duties as a resident of our beloved Keynsham, I met a young woman in the High Street the other day advertising her schools' Christmas Fayre. I had a very interesting chat with her. She said that it was illegal to advertise the community's schools functions, which, apparently, is considered by BANES to be a form of 'fly posting'. Hardly in the same league as Lakota's Love Train, yet what intrigues me is the Town Council's advertising of the Victorian Evening, which adorns every available signpost and monument in town. I think a review of this law is needed.

WHILE WE'RE on the hallowed subject of the mighty BANES/Town Council conglomerate, is it true that the much-maligned Dial-A-Ride 'bus' shuttle cost the tax-payer £56,000 to set up? How much of this cost was passed on to the region's home owners? Is this virtually-unused excuse for a fancy yellow vehicle actually making any bloody money? Does anyone ever use it? It seems to meander around our streets in a nonchalant manner, seemingly at odds with the pace of the real world. And the main question I want to ask is: "How do I get the drivers job?"

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
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The former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf takes a stroll in Keynsham Memorial Park and gets a bit more than he bargained for. GO TO MO!

Keynsham has it's very own Backyard Wrestling Crew? Thought not. Check out these zany Jackass-meets-WWF people at EXTREME POSSE WRESTLING

Did you know that other small towns exist way beyond the Kelston Mountains? It's true! If you don't believe us, check out the BUMPKIN CREW, from a land called 'Froomeshire'.

Our third exclusive Keynsham webcam, which is precariously balanced on the multi-storey car park roof. VIEW IT

Ferry Mucking Xmas to ya
Wishing all of our readers a very merry Christmas and a properous New Year. Thanks for your support in 2003.

The long-range weather outlook for the festive period. VIEW WEATHER

A potted history of Keynsham shops, as told by Albert Mills. LEARN STUFF HERE