Issue 5 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham March 2004
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

TODAY I MAKE NO APOLOGIES, my dears, I shall not feel guilty for what I am about to write. I have returned from my usual weekly shopping trip and the elderly residents of this town have made a relatively mundane, non-plussing sort of exercise into a complete and utter nightmare.

You read before you a woman who is sick to the back teeth and gold caps with the ailing population of this dear village. My mother, a pensioner with all faculties and common sense, always told me to respect my elders, and quite right too, but surely only if the rude, bloody-minded old codgers ruddy well deserve it!

Trying to get from A to B in this beloved town of ours is becoming unbearable. These senior citizens make no excuse for their impoliteness, many have selected hearing and speech, that is until they reach the check outs where they will chat for hours about the boils on their husbands bottoms, chaffing of knicker elastics and the price of tinned salmon and sherry.

Caution! Elderly folk are operating in this area Age! Know the score
And if that isnít enough to ruin your mood for a mid week coffee morning at the nursery the measly misers arenít shy when it comes to helping themselves to a few items off the shelf, pleading ignorance or stupidity, when caught red handed. You know who you are you scandalous superannuated senile old fogies.

Well enough is enough and its time to act now. I propose a High Street for the elderly, located in the Hawthorns; 10 Charity shops, a bakers, a small supermarket and a post office. The same way the Chandag have managed to contain their ageing community all these years. Anna Cacia-Court

CAR PARKING is a bone of great contention in this town but imagine a friend's horror when fined £30 for being 10 minutes over her time. Some will suggest this is appropriate punishment, but what's the penalty for the Town Council who place these non-change-giving machines in the car parks? Many of us have used a 50p or £1 coin in change-less moments, as was the case with my friend who paid £1 for her 2 hrs @ 25p. It wasn't her fault the hairdresser took too long tinting her tresses. What has the Council got to say about it's crass behaviour? Implementing machines that rip people off is as low as a con man. ACC
WHEN WILL the households of this town finally get their own Wheelie Bins? We're sick to the back teeth of clearing up the mess created by next door's cat whilst clawing it's way through the piles of refuse sacks waiting to be collected by the bin men. The official line is that the dust carts don't have the correct lifting device, yet the recycling lorry can handle bins full of grass and leaves with no problem at all. Besides, everyone knows you can dump practically anything in a Wheelie Bin and they'll take it away. The same can't be said for bin bags can it? The merest sign of a leaf and they'll leave the whole lot on your drive. AM
WHY DO so many people who drive up and down Keynsham's Albert Road feel the need to go so fast? Maybe, because it's long and straight? Or is it because motorists can see the end of the road from the start? Well, can they see the small child crossing the road behind that van? Or the little deaf pensioner with bags of groceries shuffling her way to the other side? So come on "bloke in a suit who's job it is to spend our taxes on road safety" - sign that chitty and get some speed restrictions on Albert Road before it's too late and somebody gets killed or seriously injured. CB

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
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The former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf is still working for the local council. This month he defends his work mates' parking habits YO! GO TO MO!

Keynsham has it's very own Backyard Wrestling Crew? Thought not. Check out these zany Jackass-meets-WWF people at EXTREME POSSE WRESTLING

Did you know that other small towns exist way beyond the Kelston Mountains? It's true! If you don't believe us, check out the BUMPKIN CREW, from a land called 'Froomeshire'.

The Cane Shum web cam seems to be attempting an escape to Saltford. VIEW IT

Will Keynsham town see any sunshine in March? Will it feck! VIEW THE WEATHER

We love Keynsham! If you need reminding, CLICK HERE