Issue 6 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham April 2004
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

AH, DARLINGS, spring is in the air, the birds are singing and the old dears are all mowing their lawns of a Sunday morn. Hello my lovelies, I trust you are well? I, however, am not. I fear I may need corrective surgery on my inner ear due to all the abusive levels of noise I’ve experienced lately. Is it just me or has someone turned the decibels up? I can’t hear myself think in this town. Has everyone gone bonkers from the daffodil pollen? I thought it was Hares that were mad in March, not people.

Only yesterday my ears were subjected to a hefty assault from the louts on mopeds, which the little buggers seem to think is highly amusing to remove the baffles from their exhausts. You’ll often see them revving up and down the road with an offensive bombardment of noise, scaring young and old. Then, as I walked further down the road, my ears suffered another battering from those lazy sods with an ‘NVQ in tyre fitting’ at Kwik Fit, shouting to each other across the forecourt using the most undesirable and immoral language. What is the world coming to?

And don’t get me started on the boys in their souped up Novas with music booming and blaring. Surely they don’t think that fellow citizens have the same appreciation of Drum & Bass as they do? I, for one, do not. There is a time and place for this sort of music and it’s not in the High Street. Your mothers won’t let you play it that loud at home for good reason. It’s crap!

Somerfields: Loyalty not pictured Somerfields: Piss poor?
On an entirely different subject, I have had it with ‘Somerfields’. What is the Savercard all about? They're telling me I can’t get a deal on a bottle of red wine without my Savercard? What outrage! I shall pledge no allegiance to a supermarket that chooses to exploit their customers in this manner. Scumerfields have very little in the way of choice at best. At worst, goods are overpriced and quality is poor. These corporate wolves didn’t invent the store card for our benefit, hell no - it’s just another way to cream money off us in the guise of so called ‘loyalty rewards’.

It’s all a sham. They know we won’t shop around if we believe that we get something for loyalty, when in actual fact we have stopped other shops from driving their prices down. Real consumerism is about shopping around, customer choice and getting the best quality and price, so come on fellow Keynsham-ites, let’s make them think about it - shop where it’s cheaper. It doesn’t have to be forever, just until the likes of Somerfield see that they can’t exploit us any longer. Anna Cacia-Court

I'VE COME to realise that someone in the BANES office has a very sick sense of humour when it comes to the Car Parking Wardens. Either that or someone in that department is in need of a visit from the fashion police ‘Trinny and Suzanna’. Fancy making that poor Parking Warden wear that uniform, without so much as a boot cut, hipster or dart in her uniform. Is it company policy to make them all look like dykes, even the men? ACC
WILL SOMEBODY please have a word with the mothers of this town about chatting in the High Street? We all like to natter from time to time, but could you at least find a wide bit of pavement to gas on? You stand there, prams blocking the entire path, rabbitting on about whatever it is you go on about as if other people actually like walking in the main road to avoid you. Get a part time job for Pete's sake. Failing that, get a phone. AM
CAN I politely point out to any cantankerous old men, that mums conversing in the High Street represent the moral fabric of society? The need for folk to reach out to others in person is paramount to our civil being. To suggest that this social communication is, in some way, hindering the progress of 50-something, bitter and twisted blokes as they amble the main street is nothing short of scandalous. ACC

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf gets angry once again as he vehemently denies the presence of roundabouts in Keynsham. GO TO MO!

Keynsham has it's very own Backyard Wrestling Crew? Thought not. Check out these zany Jackass-meets-WWF people at EXTREME POSSE WRESTLING

Did you know that other small towns exist way beyond the Kelston Mountains? It's true! If you don't believe us, check out the BUMPKIN CREW, from a land called 'Froomeshire'.

The Cane Shum web cam is back in the High Street, spying on everything! VIEW IT

Your B.O. could be responsible for the decline of the boating pond. Read more in this month's weather forecast.

We love Keynsham! If you need reminding, CLICK HERE