Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham May 2004

'Oooh, me 'puter ain't working roight' - click to enlarge Hackers hit Cane Shum (click to enlarge)  
The Wellsway Liberation front strikes out at Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum by hacking into and vandalising this very website at the start of last month, causing wobbles in the stock market both here and in the States. A worried Albert Mills investigates.

Being the writers of Keynsham's premier news source has become an increasingly-dangerous job these past few months. First we had our own stalker, and now we've been the target of malicious internet hackers, hell bent on sinking the good ship Cane Shum. We had only just repaired our broken website when we received a coded letter from the Wellsway Liberation Front (WLF), claiming full responsibility. Traders here and on Wall Street reported significant losses as the news spread.

WLF Co-ordinator & Dinner Party Organisor Tarquin Llewellyn-Bowen said in his communique: "Well, I must say, some people in the two horse town simply cannot learn can they? After being thoroughly lampooned on the interweb as some sect of champagne swilling, hooray henry, blue rinse brigade of buffoons, we have taken the necessary step to infiltrate a bastion of Keynsham's west-side 'moron-tality' - namely the Cane Shum website. Take that you common oiks."

From the vineyards of Libourne
   Some wine
In determined tones, Tarquin continued: "This is made possible due to the fact that several of our group have been educated at Oxford, Cambridge and Wellsway. It just goes to prove the superior intellect of those who reside in the more well-heeled section of our society. In order to prove our intent to disrupt the day-to-day lives of those who stand between us and our goal of autonomy for everything east of the Bath Hill bridge, I would like to point out further acts of disruption that we lay claim to."

The letter then goes into further detail: "We have also hacked into the Keynsham Leisure Centre computer system - it is now more difficult & more expensive to go swimming, use the fitness suite or play badminton; it's not ALL down to changing the management structure of the place you know. We have also hacked into the Town Council & BANES computer system. We added some figures to the Town Precept - now we can afford the extra signage for the town of 'WellsWay', plus more of us can go 'town twinning' at no personnal expense. Brilliant!!"

Llewellyn-Bowen's warning concluded: "In addition to our previous demands we have added another. This was passed at our annual 'wine & cheese' AGM earlier this week. We would like the building of an upper class wine bar / bistro somewhere in our town (WellsWay) - but obviously, nowhere near where we live..."

We contacted the local police who promised to 'keep an eye out' for us, but failed to offer any form of police protection. The Wellsway Liberation Front last hit the news when it claimed to be the instigators of the town hall fire, in which two photocopiers and a kettle were destroyed. Albert Mills


In his debut report as Citizen Cane, Eli McChurch tackles the subject of Keynsham's hygenically-challenged 'leisure' facilities. GET CANED!

The weather forecast for May, with our in-house, atmosphere-questioning ether beaver Albert Mills. VIEW THE WEATHER

Anna Cacia-Court kicks Council butt and unveils some shocking exclusive news about St John's car park. READ MORE

The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf takes a break, leaving Bill Bailey to carry out his duties. Heaven help us! MORE

The Cane Shum web cam is at the railway station as part of the Search for Intelligent Rail Travel (SIRT). VIEW IT

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS