Issue 7 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham May 2004
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court
Keynsham's clock tower - design award not pictured

ALRIGHT SWEETIES, it’s my time of the month and I’ve got issues!! BANES – WHAT IS GOING ON??? – Why are you trying to kill our dear village? Everything you touch you crap on. It's the un-Midas touch! We have the best park for miles around, right in the middle of our glorious town yet you put in play equipment that is only worthwhile for children under the age of 5. Your shop rates are so high that the only people taking up leases are the subsidised charity shops. You killed the farmers market by getting some French outfit to manage it. You are destroying two good schools and don’t get me started on the ‘so-called’ traffic management in the High Street. And the parking, the litter, the 'leisure' centre etc. And most-infuriatingly, the fact whenever you want to talk to someone in your offices they’re never bloody there.

My theory is that a bunch of anal, uptight, middle-aged egotistical political wannabes, who, without foresight or vision, sit round a big desk somewhere in Bath deciding the fate of our beloved town. They all wear corduroy slacks and Clarks shoes, sipping Earl Grey and picking their noses. They discuss their latest successes and, whilst slapping each other on the back with one hand, are probably removing the knife in their own with the other. But please, come on, we are the residents of this town and we want something better for our money, not a glorified, oversized Jacuzzi come high brow paddling pool.

With the latest pacifying leaflet to drop through our letterboxes they would have us believe that they’re really trying to get it right. Well, tell you what BANES, save our money – don’t waste paper, put words into action. We want to shop in our High Street. We don’t want to spend our money on petrol, killing the environment whilst chugging out to the Mall to get stressed out. Please don’t destroy two schools to build a new one on the hallowed turf where you promised a supermarket. We need new shops, we need a good market, we need decent leisure facilities, we need to park for free, we need wheelie bins. Just you remember who voted for you. Yes us, in good faith we went to the polling stations under the impression that you might do something good for our town.

'Mum! They've landed!'  Co-Op: Are they moving closer?
However, the plot thickens further! Whilst chairing the WI South West of England AGM in Saltford Village Hall, I happened to come across some very interesting information of concern to the residents of our great town. A friend said that a colleague who works for a commercial leasing company had some information on the proposal for the site at St. Johns Court. Adrienne, I have some bad news for you. Watch your back sweetie, there is a supermarket chain that believes they are buying the hallowed turf earmarked for your school.

It seems that the leasing company is under the impression they are allegedly selling the land along with Appletons and Ballarraat wines. They are quite confident that there is a supermarket ready and waiting to sign, seal and deliver on the dotted line. This would appear to make perfect sense as the properties adjoin the area in question would undoubtedly give access to the site. God knows what dear Hubby is to do for a suit now and where am I going to get a good cheap bottle of Shiraz?

Town Council - what’s the real story going on here? Are we to have a shopper’s paradise or a centre of educational excellence? No ‘spin’ in a Tony B–liar styleee. Straight answers on a postcard please. Anna Cacia-Court

WHY DOESN’T someone do something constructive with the old cinema/bingo hall? I believe the Town Council has an ulterior motive. The plan is to abandon it and let it crumble over the next few years, so when they turn around and tell us that property developers are planning new flats for the elderly again we won’t be too upset at seeing the eyesore gone. Shame really because it would make an ideal Community Centre. ACC
WHEN WILL someone in a position of power finally get around to forcing the local refuse tip to stay open past 3 o'clock on a weekend? Let's be honest, by the time you work off the Friday night hangover and get around to mowing the lawn, the bloody place is shut. Nastier types than myself would simply find a discreet lay-by and dump the lot without a thought for conservation. Keep the tip open and fly-tipping will soon go out of fashion. AM
SCIENTISTS WOULD have us believe global warming is responsible for our changing climate, yet recently-discovered 200-year-old papers suggest that the clocks being put forward one hour every year is part of a long-term plan to move our British Summertime to the December period, allowing us green-eyed, barbeque-envying Brits to enjoy our Christmas dinners in an Australian fashion on the beach. ACC

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning    • Read Citizen Cane

In his debut report as Citizen Cane, Eli McChurch tackles the subject of Keynsham's hygenically-challenged 'leisure' facilities. GET CANED!

The weather forecast for May, with our in-house, atmosphere-questioning ether beaver Albert Mills. VIEW THE WEATHER

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf takes a break, leaving Bill Bailey to carry out his duties. Heaven help us! MORE

The Cane Shum web cam is at the railway station as part of the Search for Intelligent Rail Travel (SIRT). VIEW IT

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