Issue 8 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham June 2004
The Monthly Moan - with Anna Cacia-Court

'Hey, Georgey dude! I think your focus group are letting you down!'   -   'Tone, just shut up and smile will ya, there's a good lad.'
"Hey, Georgey dude! I think your  
focus group are letting you down!"  
"Tone, just shut up and smile  
will ya, there's a good lad."  
Anna Cacia-Court - click for biography A SWEET summer's evening to you all dear readers. I trust you all have been enjoying the weather, as indeed myself, hubby and children have. I thought I’d lay off BANES this month, after I realised, whilst watching the news the other day, that I have bigger fish to fry.

The Cacia-Court household was in uproar at the news of the Iraqi prisoners being brutally and mercilessly beaten and degraded by American troops. This act of violence and malice is no better than the devastation of the terrorist acts of 9/11. However, the atrocity of 9/11 was a blow dealt by Al Qaeda’s hand and not the People of Iraq. Bush has made a huge insult by jumping forward to close the prison in some misleading gesture of humility and respect – this act of closing the prison is shallow attempt to regain face. The fact glaringly obviously remains that it should never have happened in the first place.

LOOK OUT for the new series of Big Brother, another load of wannabes on my television doing nothing very interesting at all is just what I wanted to watch. I don’t need any more reality in my life, it’s quite real enough already thanks.
My issue with Bush and Blair is that ‘apologies’ for gross behaviour is a favoured chant of politicians. There seems to be a new policy in our government and America’s, and that is to do exactly as they see fit, ignore the opinions of the people and when the shit hits the fan, it’s to talk their way out of it with a pathetic ‘we’re really sorry’ or ‘we didn’t know’. Well I say bollocks you spineless, egotistical, spin wielding morons. Give me strength! What chance does this planet stand with Bush and Blair in charge?

Public Inconvenience
Anyway, damn the leaders and on to more local issues. Whilst recently enjoying the splendid ambience and surroundings of our glorious Memorial Park, as we do on many occasions, we had the unfortunate displeasure of encountering the public septic tanks that are known as the ‘Cane Shum conveniences’. When one is indulging in a picnic with family and friends on a sunny day, blanket laid out, basket open, a fine feast for all, inevitably up jumps a small child or two to declare their bladders are about to burst. So off you trot to the building marked with 70’s images of a girl in a frock and non-discript male to enter into the urine infested sewer of hell.

SO, THERE is a new melanoma shop set up in Eddy Jolls place. Shall we take bets now at 6–1 that the place is gone in three months and 2–1 that it's definitely gone in half a year? It's a nailed-on cert!
Once inside, you must try and manoeuvre in a ‘Crystal Maze’ style around the lavvy. Being careful not to touch the walls with your hands, the dilemma comes when you try to lock the door with your elbow or any covered area of your body. The next challenge is to hover over the toilet without wetting your legs and pants. If you are unlucky enough to have any hand luggage, to avoid placing it on the wee infested floor, you are advised to balance it precariously between your knees whilst doing what nature intended. This gymnastic feat is worthy of a Gold medal at the Olympics.

'There will be pot pourri in all public toilets by 2006'  Bush points the way forward
So you have made it through to the final stage of this environmental hazard to the cleansing i-pod, with its dubious soap/water/blower. your first question will be "where is the soap?" And then, "where’s the water?" And if you think you're going to get your hands dried then you will be sadly disappointed, so be prepared to wipe them on your jeans. Convenient they are not. Shit holes they are. Where is the little old lady with a vase of silk flowers and plastic carnations, rose water air freshener and a toilet brush as big as dyno-rod drain cleaners? If only she existed in our town - she wouldn’t let us wipe our sensitive botts with ajax toilet paper.

That's a bloody big wheelchair ain't it?
How come Bathonians get such privileges, such as floral offerings, regular cleaning, soft loo rolls, soap and working hand dryers? It is well known that in the mens' toilets in Cane Shum you will find an alternative form of blowing! Now I’m not one to question others sexual preferences, but if you do want to cottage then f*ck off to Bath - you’ll get pot pourri in the dunnies there darlings.

So, in the interest of Health and Safety, one is advised to ensure all vaccinations are up to date, including Typhoid and Bilharzia. Failing that, feel free to piss and shit in the bushes, thus adding organic matter to our manicured shrubberies. I’m sure Percy the Park-keeper will be ecstatic.

Anna Cacia-Court

• Read More Of Anna Cacia-Court's Monthly Moaning   
• Bloke About Town    • The Bottom Line    • Citizen Cane    • The Miller's Tale   

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NEW! Freshly-recruited from the mean streets of Keynsham, William Bloke offers up a serving of vitriol after getting a tattoo done in town. MORE

NEW! Can't read? Only look at the pictures? Then we've got the perfect page for you, in the form of our handy image archive. VIEW IMAGES

Having already taken Keynsham's leisure facilities to task, Eli McChurch turns his attention to Seasonally Affective Disorder. READ IT

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-SHIRTS!

The BANES Dis-Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf returns with bizarre claims that Keynsham's traffic is 'flowing perfectly'. GET MO!

The Cane Shum webcam has been stolen, but it's still transmitting footage!! Where will it end up? VIEW IT

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