Issue 9 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham July 2004

'Come to Keynsham, please. Oh go on....'

Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is published on average every 6 weeks by a group of local miscreants cunningly disguised as Memorial Park Mallards. When we're not too busy with other things like sniffing Tippex or setting litter bins alight, we like to produce this satirical poke at all things Keynsham. Whilst normally being gobby oiks with too much to say, we do not intend to cause offence. If we do upset you then please consult your GP. May we also suggest that you ride roughshod across the Western hills and visit the still-wonderful That Be Bristle, where you will be most welcome. Tell them we sent you.

Albert Mills - click to read FORMER GARDENING correspondent for the now-defunct 'Somerset Oracle', Editor Albert is one of the founding members of this fabled tome. His claim to fame is that he was once in the audience at the filming of BBC's 'Nationwide' program, an accolade which alone was enough to land him the job at Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum. He is the author of one book, 'Overnight Failure', and is separated from wife Estelle, with no accountable children. MORE

Charlton Bottom - click to read CHARLTON BOTTOM once famously claimed, improbably, to have been present when the Romans were last in the town, and is the website's other founding member. A former member of 70's glam rock band The Mutz Nutz, Charlton began his journalistic career as a stringer for the lowly 'Ubley Gazette', during which time he covered the story of the infamous Cider Drought of 1985. He has four children and is blissfully married to his beloved wife of 15 years, Rosy.

Anna Cacia-Court - click to read THE DELIGHTFUL Anna was the first writer to be recruited to the team after she knocked on Charlton's door late one night to ask for assistance with her broken down VW Beetle. The former Arts & Entertainment correspondent for London's 'Capital Punishment' magazine, Ms Cacia-Court has been resident in the town for over a decade. Much-travelled, Anna is mother to six children and is happily married to Arthur, a commercial airline pilot.

Eli McChurch - click to read ENIGMATIC
was the first victim of our recruitment drive in spring 2004, having previously worked for a rival publication. He was snared with an offer of Double Deckers for life, a space in the BANES car park, free copies of the Keynsham & Saltford Observer (20p where sold) and a pile of old jazz mags. Initially reluctant, Eli finally relented following three sessions of shock therapy and an ear-bashing from Anna. He is married with children.

William Bloke - click to read WILLIAM
is known for many reasons, but tact is not one of them. If he were to be cryogenically frozen and snapped in half you'd find the word KEYNSHAM running right through him. His lifelong love of the town has seen his involvement in local politics and sport, while he has his own beer mug in most of the town's drinking houses. On top of all this, he's now writing for Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum, bringing his own blend of humour and rage. How does he find the time?

Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf - click to read THE FORMER Iraqi Information Minister has moved to Cane Shum, finding refuge at BANES' Riverside building, where he works as the Dis-Information Minister on a part-time basis.

Tarquin Llewellyn-Bowen - artist's impression TOFF TARQUIN is the leader of activist group the Wellsway Liberation Front, demanding autonomy for the Chandag area of Keynsham.

Charlton avoids a Euro 2004-related heart attack by taking a stroll in the local countryside and reminiscing about the hazy days of yore. READ MORE

Eli McChurch ruminates on why the flags should keep flying and reveals a strange-but-true story about one of the town's oldest ex-shops. READ IT

Anna's Music Festival-induced bliss is cruelly shattered by plans to build an 'Elderly Village' on Sherwood Road 'Rec' playing field. MORE

BANES' press spokesman Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf steps forward with his boldest claim yet - that we are, in fact, alone! GET A LOAD OF MO!

Our latest camera is looking out for fish in the park. VIEW IT

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
Our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-Shirts are on sale now! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

The following scoundrels and vagabonds were responsible for the nonsense found in Issue 9: Albert Mills, Charlton Bottom, Anna Cacia-Court, Eli McChurch, William Bloke and all of you who kindly sent stuff via email. We love you all. This issue is brought to you by the words 'bastard' and 'wank'.