Issue 9 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham July 2004

Kate Garraway: 'What a total w*nkshaft!'
Eamon: 'Mua! Ha! Ha! Quite!' - click to enlarge Kate Garraway: "What a total w*nkshaft!"
Eamon: "Mua! Ha! Ha! Quite!" (click to enlarge)
Inspired by the plight of a ginger kid blistered by the playground sunshine, Charlton Bottom decides to take on the Head of Bristol City Council in an e-fistfight. Seconds out! Ding-a-ling!

May I ask you for a moment to cast your minds back to early May. A few days before the 5th, a young lad, pale of skin and ginger of hair, was sent to school with some massive factor sun protection cream to apply to his exposed areas of skin at break time, when outdoors in the scorching sun which we had recently encountered. The teachers at his school (which was in the “Big Smoke” or “town”, as in “Eh Trace, you off to town tonight to get a good shagging?” or, for the doughnuts reading, Bristol) confiscated the sun cream, due to some crap about it being “medication” and that they had not been trained to administer it.

As you can imagine the concerned mother was quite upset and confused by the attitude of the school and within a few days she appeared on the wonderful GMTV to explain her plight to the nation. I was a little late rising from my pit due to the enormous amount of Zider™ that I consumed at The Trout the night previous, at the weekly remembrance get-to-gether in celebration of the end of the infamous Cider Drought of 1985, but I managed to catch her interview and to my total shock and cries of “Oh dear - you’re an idiot” Peter Abraham, the head of Bristol City Council, was on the telephone to dish out his piss-poor excuses as to why his school teachers have an issue with a young lad (with the help of his older sister) applying life-saving sun protection on school premises.

"YOU COULDN'T have made more of a fool of yourself than you just did on national television this morning. Did you understand why you were on national TV? Did you get on that telephone with any facts about the subject you were talking about? Are you that stupid that you don't understand what the issue was? YOU have just confirmed to the nation that the "Conservative" party are the total idiots that we think you are! You shouldn't be in charge of anything. Best of luck (you will need it after this mornings show of stupidity) in the next election." Charlton Bottom.
"YOU ARE very rude person. Just check my election result, I will win as I always have done. But what can I expect from someone who watches GMTV in the morning." Peter Abraham (Head of Bristol City Council)
I must say, Mr Abraham came across like a total idiot and I’m sure he had no idea what he was on the TV to talk about. A confused idiot, surely the worst kind of city council head you could hope for. His complete lack knowledge of the subject made my blood boil, and after two more cups of tea and a smoke or two with a Double Decker chaser, I dashed to my computer and started to track down his email address so I could point out that he just made himself look a right prick on national TV. To the left is my email to him, and right is Peter Abraham's reply.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but surely he shouldn’t be speaking to me, a tax-paying, law-abiding, Zider™ -drinking, GMTV-viewing, voting member of this country like that?

I’m sure he shouldn’t, but that’s a politician for you - one rule for them and one for us! And to set the record straight, I’m not a “very rude person” © Peter Abraham (Head of Bristol City Council) - I’m a mild-mannered janitor type, with a new, improved, extra-large Bottom. So to conclude this difference of opinion, Peter Abraham (Head of Bristol City Council) is an idiot and I’m great with a huge Bottom. Charlton Bottom


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