Life In Keynsham
Frequently Asked Questions - Answered by Albert Mills Esq, International man of misery
I am Albert Joseph Arthur Mills Esq, born and bred in Keynsham, Somerset. I was Editor-in-Chief of the Keynsham-themed satirical website known to Earthlings as Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum.
What happened to the Cane Shum website? Why did it stop?
Myself and the various contributors felt that 'Season 1' had reached a logical conclusion, thus prompting our decision to cease production before we 'jumped the shark', if, indeed, we hadn't already done so. It survived for over six years before we decided to take it down from the server and replace it with a shit image. We'll probably turn it into a book or pamphlet in the future.
Will Cane Shum ever be updated?
I doubt it. Many of the original team are now either abroad, senile, too rich or too riddled with self-doubt to continue attempting to be funny for no pay. Those of us who remain compus mentis have often discussed 'Season 2', but the lure of the pub is too great for us to actually do anything else.
Were you really going to seek election?
No. And yes. We did briefly discuss the idea of forming an independent political party and stand for local election. However, we soon realised that a sound knowledge of Blackthorn cider does not a politician maketh. Our 'policies' would have quickly and irrevocably taken the region into financial and social ruin, a situation that we know nothing about. We thought it best to leave that sort of thing to the experts.
How can you be Albert Mills when my mate's Mum reckons it's really her Nephew?
Unless your mate's Mum is my Auntie then it's all codswallop. I have often been made aware of loose talk proclaiming so-and-so to be responsible for my pathetic attempts at web-based humour. I am Albert Mills. No-one else is. If they tell you they are, they're not.
Was the Cane Shum team responsible for stealing the Keynsham sign a few years ago?
Absolutely not. Aside from a few indiscriminate stickers placed in and around the High Street in 2003, we never took to vandalism, theft or illegal activities in order to feather our own nests. There are already more than enough people doing that in Keynsham.
Were you in any way responsible for the That Be Bristle website?
No. We simply took our inspiration from That Be Bristle. Harry Stoke and Vinny Green (founders) were very supportive, offering us a wealth of experience which came in very handy. They wrapped it in not long before we ended 'Season 1'. They're now both loaded authors, whereas we're still trying to figure out where to put the boxes of unsold t-shirts that we had printed.
Do you live at Albert Mill?
I do not. With my name it would be too unfair on our local posties for me to live there.
Who is Ron 'Dapper' Hill and why is he always on your sites?
Ron 'Dapper' Hill and I became acquainted after he kept writing in to the Cane Shum editorial office. I eventually decided to risk interviewing him for a news article, in which he thought he was only 88 years old. He is over 100 and very, er, um, shall we say random. He still thinks they make Lisbon Pans at the Brass Mill. I decided to retain his journalistic services for this website as his unique viewpoint on Keynsham is worthy of inclusion. He's also my ex-Grandfather-in-Law.
How often will your site be updated?
The World According To Albert Mills is a sporadically-ongoing project. I will be updating it when I see fit to do so. The moment I think of something else to write, I will share it with you.
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|Written by Albert Mills. Copyright © 2009-2017 Albert Mills. All rights reserved. | www.albertmills.co.uk | www.caneshum.co.uk|