Life In Keynsham
For the times when reading words is just a pain in the arse
Building A Bridge To Our Hearts
Picture the scene - the entire population of Keynsham, all bloated out from eating and drinking too much at the celebration do in the River Suite, wondering how to spend it all. Well, once I'd settled my outstanding libel damages and patched up the elbows on my favourite sports jacket, I'd go about sprucing up the High Street. Give it a lick of paint, chip off the render to reveal the limestone shop frontages, that kind of thing.
And then I'd get to the park and think: "Bloody Echo Bridge™, looks shite, lets have it bashed down and replaced." With what? I hear you ask. With a bloody great four-lane viaduct just like Pensford's, but loads better and safe to use. That's what. I reckon it would make our town look magnificent.
So, what I want to know is this: How much would it cost to do that? Seriously, how much? There has got to be someone out there in reader land who prices up bricks and wood and whatnot for a living. I'm not asking for a detailed quote or a starting date or anything daft, just a ballpark figure to build a viaduct out of stone to carry the by-pass over the River Chew. If anyone has the remotest clue, drop me a line, I'd love to know, really. I'd be well up for doing a sponsored walk to start raising the money for that Euromillions ticket.
The Pied Piper Of New Piddletown
Hamelin, you ain't seen nothing
Keynsham Park, it would seem, is awash in a sea of rats. They out-number everything else in the New Piddletown area by a factor of three to one.
The Councils once hired a piper to lead the rascal rodents to their watery graves in the swirling torrents of the River Chew. Unfortunately, no-one had realised that rats are perfectly able swimmers, and are quite at home in the water.
Bloated with bread and litter bin offerings, the naughty gnawers have bred like, er, um, rats, and are endangering the local bird life and lunch-hour office workers alike.
Undeterred by the failure of the pipe-playing pest-catcher, the authorities spent fifteen quid on erecting several notices in an effort to deter the fowl-feeders from throwing food so freely. What our graceful rulers didn't bargain for was that nobody ever reads signs, especially ones festooned with 'The Logo'.
Maybe the problem requires an 'adopt-a-rat' approach, where we all pay a small monthly amount to sponsor and, ultimately, destroy a rat or three. A campaign such as the one which successfully eradicated dog poo from our pavements and by-ways. Dog Wardens solved the dog issue, maybe Rat Wardens can do the same for our plague of rodent residents.
Prepare to be offended, possibly
The new and updated version of Keynsham Monopoly has now been released, just in time for the Christmas market.
The Charlton Cinema and the Hospital have been removed from the board, while the Cadburys factory is now listed as 'inviting offers' following their decision to knife the town's back.
BANES still can't find a tenant for the Gas Board - 'best offer secures' seems like a desperate move, but with the staff now having to curb their enthusiasm when it comes to private expenses, they must be getting a bit pikey. Bless 'em!
One or two of the town's roads have been removed - notably the High Street and Bath Road, which have been replaced by Ashton Way and World's End Lane.
The Community Chest and Chance cards have been altered to reflect the troubled times we live in - read more about that here. Oh, and it seems the Lord Mayor Of Keynsham, Mr Johnny Bodman is banged-up in the Bath Hill slammer. Maybe it was something he said... or did.
The new and improved version of Keynsham Monopoly is available at an Ogborns near you. Enjoy yourselves.
Pee In The Park '09
Time to dig out your wellies folks
The summer festival season is almost upon us once again folks, a time for getting bladdered on the grass whilst wearing your t-shirt as a hat and queueing for 45 minutes to get a plastic glass of piss-warm beer, which always splits as soon as you get it back to where you were sitting. Ah, bliss!
Keynsham, like every proper town, always throws a good party. Maybe it's the Spirit Of '68, or the Nitrogen Dioxide we cut our teeth on... there's something about Keynsham that says: 'Party like it's 1899 and don't spare the horses'.
Once again, the powers that be have pulled out most of the stops for Pee In The Park '09. This years event promises to be bigger and better than ever, despite Cadburys ducking out of the event sponsorship at the eleventh hour - apparently in order to sponsor Polska Rocks '09 in Gdansk, instead. Pah!
The weather forecasters are predicting a 'barbeque summer', so there's a good chance it'll hammer down on the day. Don't be put off though, Echo Bridge™ will hopefully be there to provide cover from the rain and a dry-ish place for young lovers to get funky, or for 'heads' to bag up a joint or three.
Whatever the weather, you can be sure that everyone will have a grand old time, because that's the Spirit Of '68. Enjoy the sights, sounds and smells of the big day and don't forget to avoid the brown acid, man!
|Written by Albert Mills. Copyright © 2009-2022 Albert Mills. All rights reserved. See also www.albertmills.co.uk/caneshum|