Life In Keynsham
Now that the real top ten is a load of old tosh
Ten Things That BANES Stands For
And you thought it was 'bath and north east somerset'
1. Build another nine extra schools.
2. Bullshit and nearly everyone's sussed.
3. Backhanders are nothing extraordinary seemingly.
4. Benefits and no extra services.
5. Braggers and not even solvent.
6. Blatantly and noisily eradicating silence.
7. Bumptious and nauseating elected squanderers.
8. Bumbling and now endangered species.
9. Brownfield after no external survey.
10. Because any numpty eventually succeeds.
Ten 'Community Chest' And 'Chance' Cards
From the 2009 version of Keynsham Monopoly
1. Chance: The Polish can build chocolate bars at half the cost. Collect £20,000 and your P45.
2. Community Chest: Due to a Council error, you must pay for a new Foot Spa. £45,000,000.
3. Chance: Pay hospital demolition fees. £1,300.
4. Chance: You are assessed for street repairs and lose sleep due to the noise. Pay £350 in lost earnings.
5. Community Chest: A scrap of land you inherited gains planning approval for 45 shit flats. Collect £750,000.
6. Community Chest: Go back to Tintagel Flats or advance to Mayfields.
7. Community Chest: You have won second prize in a back-street gurning contest. Collect £50.
8. Chance: Your pension fund fails to mature. Drive to Clifton and 'have a think' near the bridge.
9. Community Chest: The council needs to change its logo again. Each player must pay £400.
10. Chance: Go to Bath Hill nick. Move directly to Bath Hill nick. Do not pass 'Go'. Do not collect your Giro.
Ten Reasons Why Keynsham Is Better Than Bath
Inconclusive proof if ever any was needed
1. Does Bath have a space age clock tower? Thought not.
2. Keynsham has a By-Pass named after it.
3. No-one ever went on the radio and spelt out B-A-T-H did they?! Huh?!
4. Keynsham beats Bath 2-1 on Rivers. Trump card Chew!
5. No recording artist has ever named one of their albums 'Bath'.
6. One word.... Ammonites! In your face, Bath!
7. The Wingrove could have any of Bath's pubs. Easy! Easy!
8. Marcus Trescothick. England cricket talisman. Ring any bells Bath?
9. Did Bath have a Great Flood™ in 1968? Did it heck.
10. Pee In The Park, Trout Fest, Queen Victoria Night - Bath just has a poncey Fringe Festival. Whatever that is.
Ten Things BANES Don't Brag About
Slogans not seen on the council's 'bragging wagons'
1. Making Bath & North East Somerset an uneven, bitter place to live, work and drive in.
2. We spend more on the wrong paint than we do on your childrens' future.
3. We threw away the old hospital instead of recycling the stone for the new building.
4. We're utterly clueless when it comes to traffic planning. Superfluous roundabout anyone?
5. Building for the future over most of the past.
6. Some of the worst residential road surfaces in the Western Hemisphere.
7. Forget the younger generation, the elderly have more money. Health care for all (seniors).
8. Dog crap in every street, guaranteed. Our dog wardens are busy repainting the Foot Spa.
9. Teasing traffic congestion by building more roundabouts and park & rides.
10. 93% of our citizens say we don't know what we're doing.
Ten Things You Don't See In Keynsham Anymore
Current whereabouts unknown
1. 'Keynsham - Free Parking' signs.
2. Bristol Rovers players in Somerfield.
3. Mini Dart buses (usually seven at once).
4. The Irish ladies selling heather near Ronto's.
5. Estate kids playing 'Kerbie'.
6. Traders selling posters on the pavement.
7. Connie the female traffic warden.
8. Kids chucking sticks at conker trees.
9. Real police in the High Street.
10. Listed buildings.
We contacted BANES for clarification but...
Ten reasons why we didn't get to speak to anyone in authority
1. The receptionist told us we'd dialled the wrong number.
2. They were on the piss at the Ringway Christmas party.
3. They were all drinking Cristal in the new fancy-Dan Foot Spa in Bath.
4. The receptionist told us she "Knows where we live, muppets".
5. The lines were down due to Morrison Gas Repair Syndrome, where fully-working service lines are suddenly cut without warning.
6. We soon realised the futility of our ways, hung up and commenced pissing into a force 9 gale.
7. They released the hounds and we legged it.
8. They were at a meeting with shady land barons discussing 'expenses'.
9. The auto-receptionist was off sick on the blob.
10. They 'fessed up immediately and resigned office. We're now 'it'. Watch yer step citizens.
Ten Facts Of Life
albert's been on the port and stilton again folks
1. Anti-capitalist graffiti sells - street artists are laughing all the way to the Banksy.
2. Shrink-wrap is the work of the Devil, part of his 'Make Work For Idle Hands' campaign.
3. Everyone has an unwrapped Christmas pudding in their kitchen cupboard.
4. Allied helicopters never get shot down in war-torn areas - they always simply "crash". Under warranty?
5. One day in the future we'll be able to buy products made from recycled recycling plants.
6. An application will unexpectedly quit when you most expect it to.
7. 'Boffins' have recently proved the opposite of 'cosmetic surgery' to be 'gravity'.
8. When in Rome, all roads lead to everywhere else.
9. If you want to get ahead, keep up with whoever the Joneses are keeping up with.
10. Tomorrow is the unborn past. Yesterday is the dead future. Which makes Today seem like a lifetime.
Top Ten Keynsham Related Songs
Compiled by Gollum
1. Echo Bridge by Martha & The Muffin Tops.
2. Thieves In The Temple Street by Prince.
3. We Do Like Cricket by Sad Transport Cafe.
4. Bodman's Song by Fears For Years.
5. Chocolate Girl (Polish import) by Beacon Blue.
6. Parklife by Blurred.
7. Wherever I Lays Me Baseball Cap, That's Me Boozer by Paul Young'un.
8. Itchycoo Park by Too Many Small Faces.
9. We Will Sock You by Queens Road Crew.
10. Maniac In The Mirror by Michael Jackoson.
Ten Modern Day Collective Nouns
Groups of things
1. A swarm of mopeds.
2. A pavier of dog faeces.
3. A puddle of drinkers.
4. A squander of politicians.
5. A stain of beaurocrats.
6. A drizzle of WAGs.
7. A keynsham of roundabouts.
8. An outbreak of health centres.
9. A council of idiots.
10. A clash of viewpoints.
Ten Famous Keynshamites
As voted for by readers of Country Life
1. Marcus Trescothick - Boundary-hitting England and Somerset C.C.C. talisman. Passport unused of late.
2. Bill Bailey - Troll-like™ comedian, musician and beard aficionado. Real name Mark.
3. Beth Gibbons - Velvet-voiced singer with local band-made-good Portishead. Very likeable person.
4. Charlie Jones - Bassist with Goldfrapp and formerly Robert Plant.
5. Judd Trump - World-beating snooker professional. Not bad going for a young 'un.
6. Mark Regan MBE - Former England rugby international hooker who played for Bristol and Bath.
7. Horace Bachelor - Younger readers will look puzzled as the oldies begin reciting a list of letters.
8. Air Commodore John Marlow Thompson CBE DSO DFC & Bar AFC - Battle of Britain pilot.
9. Daniel Sayer - Professional Olympic Silver medallist curler.
10. Luke Sutton - Wicketkeeper and middle-order batsman for Lancashire C.C.C.
|Written by Albert Mills. Copyright © 2009-2022 Albert Mills. All rights reserved. See also www.albertmills.co.uk/caneshum|