Albert Mills - Caneshum Man The World according to Albert Mills

Encyclopedia Mills - K
Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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Keep Keynsham Local     Icon Icon Icon
See also: truce, uneasy, battle of temple street, sinking → Estimated milage: 3
Keep Keynsham Local is a joint initiative spearheaded by Keynsham's two fierce-rival councils, BANES and Keynsham Town Council. The unprecedented move was engineered by peacemakers in Geneva and aims to stop Keynsham from not being local. Several pounds were spent on advertising and the town's other website was given an overdue spruce-up.

Keep Keynsham Local follows the unsuccessful More To Life publicity campaign which was rolled out in 2008. Early indications appear to show that Keynsham is now more local than ever. The Keep Keynsham Local campaign is due to be renamed 'Please For God's Sake Shop In Keynsham' in 2010.



Keynsham     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: The Big K, Cane Shum, Keynsh, Keynsham Mean Time → UK Top Town Ranking: 1st (Gert Lush)
Keynsham (or 'Keynsham-upon-Chew-upon-Avon') is a popular market town situated in the County of Somerset in England, The World. The town is steeped in history and once played host to a regional heat of 'It's A Knockout'. The geographical centre of Keynsham is the award-winning, space age Clock Tower, which has been stolen on at least one occasion. Keynsham stands on a layer of clay and serpents at the mouth of the River Chew, and is famed for its former free parking, Lord Mayor, kebab shop and the Bath Hill Mosaics.

In 2008, a campaign was launched by The Councils to Keep Keynsham Local following complaints from several townsfolk who felt that the town was becoming unlocal. Keynsham was recently granted 'Fair Game' status and is currently being repainted. Keynsham is brought to you by the letters 'B' and 'S', and the numbers '3' and '1'.



Keynsham Abbey     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Abbey Park Pharmacy, By-pass → Estimated height based on foundation depth: 2 Miles
Keynsham Abbey was given to the town by William, Earl of Gloucester in 1170. It was situated in Keynsham Park by the railway bridge and was inhabited by a breed of monks led by Augustus Windsor. The Abbey controlled the fishing rights on the nearby River Chew and also ran a small pharmacy in the High Street. The building lasted until 1539, when bearded inventor of religion King Henry VIII decided he needed a shag, bashed it down and built a by-pass over it.

Most of the stone was robbed away by the people of Bath, who used it to build their own abbey and steal the wind from Keynsham's sails, along with a goodly proportion of the inhabitants' wages. The remaining site is now a wall with some flowers on it. It also has a bench. Legend states that some of the Abbey stone can be found in rockeries throughout the town.



Keynsham Army (The)     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: RAMC, 219FH, we appreciate what you do folks → Number of gert maccy tanks: Loads
The Keynsham Army is made up of brave men and women who risk their souls for a living on the real-life battlefields of Planet Earth. When the Army isn't chasing after Terrible Nations on behalf of the American United State (AMUNIST), it is deployed to keep law and order in Keynsham, which is often attacked by crackpot radical fundamentalist extreme pressure sects hailing from outlying towns and nations. Keynsham Army lives by the Co-op roundabout in a bulletproof complex, which also serves as a caravan park for people who haven't got homes to go to. Keynsham is safe. Keynsham is protected.



Keynsham By-Pass     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Sydney Harbour Bridge, cones, Fast, furious, vin diesel → Number of street lamps: 3
Keynsham By-Pass is a bleak stretch of the A4 Bristol to Bath road which was built by Guatemalan experts ex-pats in 1901 in order to relieve the town's struggling road. The 3.5-lane highway crosses the mighty River Chew via a futuristic, overstated concrete bridge shaped like the inside of a bong, known locally as Echo Bridge™. The By-Pass carries/parks an estimated 4.5 million cars per day and is visible from space - a fact not lost on NASA, who include the road on their list of four emergency landing strips for failed eastbound Space Shuttle launches. In 2002, plans were unveiled to build an elevated second By-Pass on top of the existing one. Work is due to commence in 2010.



Keynsham Clock Tower     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: nobel prize, mars, anti climb paint, time machine → Curret market value: 156GBP
Keynsham Clock Tower was erected in 1911 by local philanthropist and magician Reginald E. Drainer. Its unique design features a quartet of opposing analogue clock faces that display the time in four different time zones. The Nobel Prize-winning tower is constructed of solid Persian marble, balsa wood and perspex, and features roosting space for 65 pigeons or 22 mallards. In 2003, the timepiece was stolen and later discovered on Mars by a passing cosmonaut. An identical replacement tower, 'designed' by much-maligned architect Dr Heath Cadbury, now stands in its place.



Keynsham Hospital     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: The Spike, claude harrison, harrison ford, ford prefect → What is it now? A Rockery
Keynsham Hospital (also known as 'The Hospital') was a limestone-built edifice which stood in Keynsham for over 150 years prior to contracting a fatal dose of Red Tape. Originally built for use as a workhouse in the 19th century, Keynsham Hospital was famed for its lack of Emergency Department, and was the birthplace of many of the citizens of Keynsham. Following the controversial decision to close Keynsham Hospital's maternity unit in the 1980's, the building was converted into a care centre for the elderly and infirm. Keynsham Hospital was demolished in 2007 in order to make way for the New Hospital.



Keynsham Park     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Hyde park, hide and seek, lawless lawns, down the park → Owned by: feudal system
Keynsham Park (probably known as 'Keynsham Memorial Park', usually just 'The Park') is an area of Keynsham that hasn't been built on yet. It was given to the town by the monks at Keynsham Abbey when it went west in 1539, and was badly maimed when a By-Pass collided with it in the early 20th century. The Park features a former Boating House and often plays host to the Pee In The Park rock festival. Keynsham Park got quite wet and was badly damaged during the Great Flood™ of 1968, and is currently still awaiting repair.

Several endangered species have been to the Park, which is the sixth-largest Area of Outstanding Development Potential (AODP) in the town. Keynsham Park is popular with pleasure seekers and is sometimes known as 'Keynsham Park & Ride'. It was recently announced that The Park is now sponsored by Green Flag.



Keynsham Town Council     Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon Icon
See also: Flowers, Bowling, Queen Victoria Night, worthwhile → Ground capacity: 16,500
Keynsham Town Council is a group of local volunteers charged with the perpetual task of keeping Keynsham tidy and amused. Keynsham Town Council is chiefly responsible for litter bins and bus stops and is widely considered to be the runt of the litter when compared to its rival council BANES. The two councils regularly engage in sporadic small-arms fire and bickering, most notably at the infamous Battle Of Temple Street in 1999.

In the summer months, the rulers of Keynsham Town Council don their Michael Eavis beards, borrow a tent and put on the Pee In The Park festival, which regularly attracts in excess of 100 visitors. Keynsham Town Council play in dark green tops and shorts with gold trim, and live in New Ogborns in Temple Street.



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