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Life In Keynsham
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Alternative meanings with surreal leanings
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See also: Frys, Factory in the field, lech walsea → Motto:
Cadburys is a world-reknowned chocolate mining company which currently occupies the Somerdale mines, in The Hams region of Keynsham, Somerset. Cadburys lives in a large red-brick building, which also houses the pit head machinery and a factory, responsible for converting raw chocolate ore into 1.5-carat bars, known locally as CDM's. These refined ingots can be re-cast into a range of cocoa-enhanced confectionery products, such as the famous Double Decker and Polish Delight bars.
In 2008, Cadburys announced plans to close the mining and manufacturing plant, which it intends to take to Poland, where a purer chocolate seam has recently been discovered. Several hundred miners will be forced to seek work elsewhere, while the abandoned mines will undoubtedly attract dollar-eyed rogue prospectors, sifting through the slag, hoping to strike lucky. It was recently reported that German dairy farmers Kraft are to buy the site. They intend to rename it 'Kraftworks' and graze their cheese-triangle-producing herd of cows on it.
Chandag Region (The)
See also: Posh, Sporty, Scary, Brownfield → Twinned with: Geneva, Jerusalem, Mecca
The Peoples' Republic of Chandag (formerly 'East Keynsham', commonly called 'The Chandag Region') is an autonomous region of Keynsham governed by a Residential Association Junta. It was formed in 2005 following a protracted campaign by the Wellsway Liberation Front. It has its own education system, postage stamps and a cheap booze shop. The Chandag Region was named after the 16th century land baron Count Beazer Persimmon-Chandag III, who, despite being Welsh, owned more than half of the former County of Wessex.
The geology of The Chandag Region consists of a high plateau of mainly fossilised blue rinse with extensive waist measures. The Chandag leases three seats at the local parliamentary pub and was the winner of Keynsham In Gloom in 2006. The local dialect is a posher version of Keynshamese, with estuary vowels and royal overtones. The region has no known resources, except for the petrol reserves underneath the Esso Garage.
See also: bottom, line, cider, champion → Age: Early Romano-British
Charlton Bottom is the co-founder and co-contributor for the overrated pseudo-comedy website called Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum, and once famously claimed, improbably, to have been present when the Romans were last in town. Charlton is a former member of 70's glam rock band The Mutz Nutz, and began his journalistic career as a stringer for the lowly Ubley Gazette, during which time he covered the story of the infamous Cider Drought of 1985. He has four children and is blissfully married to his beloved wife of 15 years, Rosy, with whom he emigrated to Cornwall two years ago.
Charlton Cinema (The)
See also: The Gaiety, Lamb & Lark hotel, Keynsham Hospital → Total movies shown: 21
The Charlton Cinema (or 'Flea Pit') was a sadly-unlisted Art Deco picture house and latter-day bingo hall which formerly stood in Charlton Road, Keynsham. The Charlton Cinema was built in 1887 using plush velvet and asbestos, and contained seating for over ten years. During its heyday, the Charlton Cinema featured in several Hollywood films and was given a World War II make-over in the 1980's. The last film shown at the Charlton was the Keynsham premier of Star Wars in 1985.
The building fell into disrepair when people stopped repairing it, and soon became a home for pigeons and rent dodgers. In spite of repeated calls by the people of Keynsham to convert the Cinema into something useful, the building was demolished by The Councils and the site redeveloped with some buildings made of driftwood and Copydex.
Charlton Pub (The)
See also: rub-a-dub, fight club, club 18-30, 40-40 vision → Serves beer? Yes, sometimes
The Charlton (usually pronounced 'The Charlt') is a boozer shaped like a house, much like its near neighbour The Wingrove. It is surrounded by other houses and will be surrounded by even more houses in the near future. The Charlton has a bar and is open until closing time.
See also: Fields of asses, Time Bandits, 4x4, pleasant → Estimated street value: Yes
Chewton Keynsham is the administrative capital of the Nicer Region of Keynsham, and is the fifth largest city in Somerset. The area is characterised by a lack of school traffic noise and is regularly featured during lush scenes in Hollywood films. On several occasions during the day, the east side of Chewton Keynsham hosts the endurance stage of the Paris-Dakar rally. The city is teetotal due to a lack of pubs. Chewton Keynsham was built by the River Chew.
See also: Commercialism, Fads, Birthday bash → Often occurs on: 25th December
Christmas, from the Egyptian word 'Xmas' (meaning 'wanking forbidden'), is one of the oldest party seasons in the World, having been invented by ancient Japanese greetings card makers in 945 B.C. One in twenty Earth people now celebrate Christmas, making it the 17th most popular hijacked Pagan festival on the planet. Since the advent of the Credit Crunch™, global companies have been campaigning for a midsummer Christmas in order to fill the gap between Easter and Hallowe'en. In some countries Christmas is known as Silly Season.
See also: free reading, St johns, methodist, baptist → cost of library membership: 1 snickers
Church's (often pronounced 'Churchiss') is a sweet shop and reading library located at the bottom of Ronto's Alley in the central business district of Keynsham. In the late 1980's, Church's won the final of the Newsagent Wars, and has since gone on to bag an award for the most refits in a single decade. The shop accommodates 25 readers in its magazine department and also sells photocopiers and cake tins.
See also: the magic roundabout, supernoodle junction, rubiks cube → Priority to? Who knows
The Circus is the name given to a confusing traffic feature located at the junction of Charlton Road and the High Street in Keynsham, Somerset. The Circus is neither a roundabout nor a T-junction, and is officially known as a K-junction. The area is further confused by an adjacent zebra crossing, non-indicating motorists and regular outbreaks of dithering pedestrians.
A recent survey conducted by motoring experts revealed that it now takes an average of 12 minutes to drive through the High Street. Traffic boffins plan to rectify the farcical situation by adding a traffic light-controlled pelican crossing, hopefully soon.
See also: grows on trees, readily available, bogof → Cost of prescription: Free to collector
Common Sense™ is a 'miracle drug' widely used to combat the effects of the viral infection Red Tape. Though often difficult to obtain in some areas (see 'Postcode Lottery'), the drug grows naturally in regions with enriched topsoil and sufficient supplies of fresh air and water. Scientists have recently been working on ways to treat the effects of the Credit Crunch™ using Common Sense™.
See also: Compton Dundon, Dandy Comic, Fine and Dandy, Gamekeeper → Number of sex shops: Two
Compton Dando is a medium-sized town located on the banks of the River Chew in the Nicer Region of Keynsham, with a population of 32. The town's main church was built in 1066 by Silas Pringle-Popham and is unique in being the only known House of God to ever be patched-up by the Empire of Romans. Compton Dando is famed for its white-water slide, which played host to the downhill kayaking event at the 1979 Olympicwealth Games. The hills to the north west of the town are inhabited by Faeries and often accommodate wild motorbikes following the breeding season. Since 2001, the town has been closed for a running race.
See also: Tesco, Asda, Dartmoor, Dovecote → Days since cash-point last stolen: 8
The Co-op (also known regionally as 'Leos' or 'The Koop') is a remote store located near Keynsham By-Pass in England. Many of Keynsham's leading retail boffins believe the shop would be of greater use to the town if it was just a little bit closer to where all the people live. The Co-op can be found near the Keynsham Army military base, and boasts a range of biscuits and shampoo.
See also: weatherfield, walford, el dorado, wizard of oz → Number of phone boxes: 0.45
Coronation Avenue is a residential road that winds its way through the Park Estate borough of Keynsham. It is the only road in the town to have ever been surfaced with red tarmac. Coronation Avenue was named after the famous brand of condensed milk and holds the world record for being the longest proper road in Keynsham to have never had a shop.
See also: alice in wonderland, atlantis → Geographic location: wherever you want it to be
The Cotswolds is a vague area of hills and fields that occupies an approximately southern-central area of mainland England. The term can be loosely applied to any region in order to boost tourism in that area. The Cotswolds was discovered by accident.
Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum
See also: That Be Bristle, Pulitzer Prize, Bill Bailey, Double Deckers → Years since last update: 8
Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum (commonly known simply as 'Cane Shum') is a pseudo-satirical website that briefly caught the imagination of the residents of Keynsham back in the middle ages. It was written and devised by a group of local miscreants who later went on to amount to nothing. Cane Shum often courted controversy and received 14 death threats during its first season. The website was hacked by the Wellsway Liberation Front in April 2004, causing 38 pence-worth of damage.
Despite garnering favourable reviews in the local press, the writers took the decision to cease operations in August 2004, before the BANES private detective found out who was responsible. Though a second season has often been discussed by the writers, no effort has so far been made. Cane Shum was edited by Albert Mills. You can read the crap it contains at www.albertmills.co.uk/caneshum
See also: little & large, the odd couple, two's a crowd → Part of Olde Keynshamese Language: yes
The Councils is an informal term used to describe Keynsham's hung parliament leadership, which consists of ever-fighting rivals BANES and Keynsham Town Council. The phrase is commonly used by the older generations in the town, for example: "I ain't mowin' me back garden - that's The Councils job, like."
See also: big f/o tellys, needless mpv, fat cats, medicine → Current status: active & feeding
The Credit Crunch™ is a 21st-century phenomenon caused by the greed of Humanity. The term was first used in 1997 by the corn flake company Kellogg's, but rose to fame following the collapse of civilisation on Planet Earth in the wake of the terrorist attacks on the American United State (AMUNIST) by Terrible Nations. During the revenge missions undertaken by NASA and the UN, several trillion dollars were spent attempting to smash some mud huts with laser-guided munitions in a fruitless search for Weapons of Masturbation.
Experts have predicted that over 75% of England's second homes will need to be sold in order to alleviate the effects of the Credit Crunch™. Essentially, the term is an updated version of 'recession' and is clinically meaningless.
Crown Fields (The)
See also: Windermere, Pacific, canoes → Likelihood of obtaining buildings insurance cover: none
The Crown Fields is the name given to a low-lying area of recreational land situated in The Hams region of Keynsham, Somerset. The Crown Fields is a former Roman garden, and also serves as a temporary storage area for the nearby River Avon. The Crown Fields often plays host to the World's only-known Mega Boot Sale.
|Written by Albert Mills. Copyright © 2009-2022 Albert Mills. All rights reserved. See also www.albertmills.co.uk/caneshum|