Issue 6 Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum A Different View Of Keynsham April 2004

'Come to Keynsham, please. Oh go on....'

Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum is published on an ad-hoc, roughly 6-week basis by a bunch of ex-pats living the high life on a Mediterranean island off the coast of Africa. We survive on all the money we've accumulated whilst making up this satirical nonsense. In short, you've made us very loaded through our zany offshoot schemes like our Cane Shum T-shirts and chocolate smuggling franchise. As ever, may we remind you that we are simply out to have a laugh at bonnie Keynsham's quirky bits, along with routinely ripping the piss out of The Man. Please check out the place where we got our inspiration, the ever-excellent That Be Bristle. Thank-you. You're very nice people.


This month we've got another of our regularly-infrequent Keynsham history lessons, written by guest historian James Meredith, as part of his English A-Level coursework at Wellsway. Thank-you James, and to 'Teach' for recommending us...

A brief history:
The geographical position of Keynsham, near to the confluence of the rivers Chew and Avon, and its rich pastures, abundant woodland and limestone outcrops always made it attractive town to settlers. Where the name for the town derived from is debatable. ‘Cainesham’ is registered in the Doomsday Book in 1086. However, legend has it Saint Keyna is the influence for the town’s name. She was the beautiful daughter of Brychan, a Welsh prince and her commitment to Christian missionary work is said to have led her beyond the River Severn until she eventually arrived at a ‘certain woody place’ (Keynsham).

Supposedly she was allowed to stay if she got rid of the snakes, which she did by turning them to stones with her prayers. The town is twinned with Libourne in the heart of beautiful South West Provence. Libourne lies on the River Dordogne and is surrounded by miles of vineyards, narrow streets and old stone buildings. Keynsham was also the subject of a song in the late 1960s by the group ‘Bonzo Dog Band’.

“Around the walls of Keynsham was a vast track where men of different colours ran against each other and took showers.”

Keynsham is an ideal tourist location for tourism, situated conveniently on the A4 between Bristol and Bath with good access to the Cotswolds in the North, and the coastal resorts of Weston-super-Mare and Burnham-on-Sea to the West. There are extensive local transport services and Bristol International Airport is just a 20-minute drive away. But there’s no need to look further afield because Keynsham has plenty to offer any interested tourist.

A day out in Keynsham:
Keynsham has a number of attractions well worth a visit. A walk to the town’s memorial park is a must, revealing a well-maintained recreational centre perfect for the children to play football, tennis, netball or basketball. The River Chew runs through the centre of the park and leads to a quaint conservation area containing the Albert Mill.

Unfortunately the sky’s often a little grey and there won’t be herds of wildebeests roaming across the park lawn. Nor will you see the evening sun setting at the foot of Mount Kilimanjaro or a litter of Bengal tiger cubs playing in the grass (well we haven’t had any reports as yet anyway). But what Keynsham does have to offer is a thoroughly intriguing mosaics trail. There are ten millennium mosaics situated at the town centre where the trail starts and ends, they reveal Keynsham’s history through links with its Roman past. We won’t reveal where they all are, but the first is inside the Albert Mill and the second is inside Chew Cottage nearby. Happy hunting! James Meredith

Places to eat and drink:
The Crown, The Talbot, The Lock-keeper, The Ship Inn, The Old Bank, Charcoal Grill. (Not forgetting the Trout ;-) - Ed)

Places to rest your head:
The Grange Hotel, Grasmere Court Hotel, Long Reach House Hotel, Manor Lodge Guest House, The Rambles Hotel, Uplands Farmhouse.

Albert Mills FORMER GARDENING correspondent for the now-defunct 'Somerset Oracle', Editor Albert is one of the founding members of this fabled tome. His claim to fame is that he was once in the audience at the filming of BBC's 'Nationwide' program, an accolade which alone was enough to land him the job at Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum. He is the author of one book, 'Overnight Failure', and is separated from wife Estelle, with no accountable children. MORE

Charlton Bottom CHARLTON BOTTOM once famously claimed, improbably, to have been present when the Romans were last in the town, and is the website's other founding member. A former member of 70's glam rock band The Mutz Nutz, Charlton began his journalistic career as a stringer for the lowly 'Ubley Gazette', during which time he covered the story of the infamous Cider Drought of 1985. He has four children and is blissfully married to his beloved wife of 15 years, Rosy.

Anna Cacia-Court THE DELIGHTFUL Anna was the first writer to be recruited to the team after she knocked on Charlton's door late one night to ask for assistance with her broken down VW Beetle. The former Arts & Entertainment correspondent for London's 'Capital Punishment' magazine, Ms Cacia-Court has been resident in the town for over a decade. Much-travelled, Anna is mother to six children and is happily married to Arthur, a commercial airline pilot.

Anna Cacia-Court searches for peace of mind but finds it all to difficult in Savercard-happy Keynsham. READ MORE

The BANES Information Minister Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf gets angry once again as he vehemently denies the presence of roundabouts in Keynsham. GO TO MO!

The Cane Shum web cam is back in the High Street, spying on everything! VIEW IT

Never mind the colour, feel the quality...
On sale now at 'Only Fools & Horses' - our exclusive Could 'Dis Be Cane Shum T-shirts! FULL T-SHIRT DETAILS

Your B.O. could be responsible for the decline of the boating pond. Read more in this month's weather forecast.

We love Keynsham! If you need reminding, CLICK HERE